Advantages of using I- statements

            

            Assertive behavior is characterized by personalized communication with the use of “I” statements over “you” statements. There are two misassumptions about others that lead us to prefer depersonalized communication to communication that owns our feelings. First we tend to confuse our perceptions of the other person and second that seduces us into depersonalized communication, which makes us feel we can predict other’s behaviors. By using I statements, you can provide the needed information, which helps the opposite person understand exactly what you are thinking, feeling and wanting. Also with the use of I statement, you demonstrate honesty by telling others what is on your mind, what you prefer, or what is upsetting you. In fact, I statements reduce defensiveness in others because they realize that you are not trying to push the blame on them.

             The example in the textbook about handing car keys with very little gas happens all the time with me. I get in trouble for raising conflict over the gas issue almost always, but now onwards to reduce defensive allegations from the other side, I am going to say, I’d like you to get gas after you use my car.

Listening

            Listening is a desire to pay attention to the other person. It is characterized by openness to the other person’s views, willingness to suspend judgement during the discussion, and patience to hear the other out. Listening involves both an empathic response to the other person and a commitment to hear to all the other person has to say. To answer to the question if I am a good listener is, I have always been poor in listening to others because I feel my say is more important than others. I want to make sure that everything I say has to be completely conveyed. So most of the times, when someone is talking, I am involved in my own ideas. I am trying to make a very concious effort to be a good listener after taking communication classes. When I sit and analyze my conversation with others alone, I understand that I was the only one talking. Normally, I don’t have any intentions to knock out others in conversation, but I have realized that acting in a certain way becomes a habitual pattern. Now that I am trying to focus on listening, I am able to think and understand in right spirit, where the other person is coming from.

Time Out

            Stopping in conflict is like taking a time out. Time out is helpful in calming yourself. It helps other person know that you are not abandoning the situation, but will return after a small break. It also helps change the problematic topic for a while to allow time for the air to clear.

             As far as taking time out during conflict is concerned, I have the habit of going on talking unless the other person tells me to wait. I find taking time out difficult because I think whatever my say is over the dispute is not enough. Taking time out will be a good strategy in my case because that time can be utilized for thinking and understanding the issue from the perspective of the conflicting part. It will also give me time to prepare and  place myself for the next round of rebuttal accordingly. In fact my time out will give the conflicting party a chance to present their views without any disturbance.  I will try to take a relaxing break such as time out in any conflicts, I get into hereafter to understand the other party better, and place myself accordingly. If anyone has problem like me to stop while in the conflict then they can implement one of the ways mentioned in the book to take a deliberate time out, such as counting 100 to 1 or get a glass of water before you respond to the other person. I think taking a pause to clear the throat or compose our self on the chair can also be a good way to take a short time out.

Advantages of Mediation

I am going to write about advantages of Mediation over alternatives to dispute resolution such as Arbitration, Adjudication, Ombudsperson or Conciliation.

• Most importantly Mediation is less costly than other ADRs.
• Mediation conducted well reduces the likelihood that either of the disputants will seek legal remedy.
• Mediators help to restore communication and normalize relations.
• Mediation allows for full participation by the conflicting parties.
• Mediation has a high success rate. It is estimated that once the disputants have agreed to mediate at least 80% of the time they are able to work out an agreement that is acceptable to both the parties.

I want to illustrate the advantage of mediation by this example of my aunt and her tenant. My aunt had a two-storey house in India. She lived with her family downstairs while a tenant rented the upper floor. This tenant family resided in the their house for more than 20 years. In the early 90s when there was a boom of building projects in Mumbai, my aunt decided to give the house to a builder who would build a multi storey tower there, and give them appropriate cost of the plot plus 3 apartment units. Accordingly she asked the tenant to vacate the house. However, the tenant refused to vacate the house, based on tenant law in India. He asked for an apartment in the new tower as a substitute for this house in which he lived for 25 years, which my aunt refused. Based on this my aunt’s family and the tenant family got into a tussle. Both the parties were adamant on their own stand and got into very bad verbal, nonverbal and physical dispute. Finally the tenant decided to mediate, to resolve this issue. After listening to both the parties and their stance in this dispute, the mediator settled this issue by making my aunt pay the tenant to leave her house. Although the tenant did not get an apartment in the new tower, he could buy a new house with that money in the suburbs, while my aunt was happy that she did not have to give him a whole new apartment in the tower from her share.

Fragmentation

             Fractionation is a matter of breaking down the problem into its smallest pieces and then dealing with each piece one at a time.

            Framing is a technique where mediators ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgment and summarize issues.

            Reframing is the technique where mediators restate negatively loaded, biased, or accusatory statements made by one of the parties in more neutral terminology or restate positions in a way that makes the disputants look at the issues differently. Finally mediators highlight common ground, which consists of attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals the parties share and can serve as a basis for an agreement.

            I want to give the example of Fragmentation, which my family implemented in our initial chaotic days in the US. I came here in 2007 with my two little kids in an empty house that my husband had rented. Coming from a fully settled house, in a new country with two little kids was a challenge. So we made a prioritised list of to do things in the house. Accordingly first we setup the kitchen and bedroom. We were travelling by bus until we bought a car that is a must for commuting in the US. Then we got our phone and Internet connection on, for accessibility. After that we started looking for nursery and pre-k schools for my kids. To straighten out the house so far took us about 3 months, then we started looking for furniture, and Television. We took about 6 months to completely furnish the house and get all our routine established. Thus we managed to settle our sweet home from scratch, by taking charge of things to be done step by step.

Communication Majors as Mediators

Mediators attempt to create a safe and constructive environment to encourage the disputants to communicate, cooperate, and work out their own mutually satisfying solution. Communication majors are trained to communicate without being judgmental, to be good listeners, and exchange information without misunderstandings which gives them an upper hand to be better mediators over lawyers and psychotherapists. Moreover communication majors as mediators have to practically implement the conflict management skills that they have already learnt in undergraduate interpersonal communication and conflict management courses. As against Lawyers are trained to fight for justice from the side of their client, so their justification of the case is always biased to one side. In the same way, psychotherapists also try and work to resolve the issue from their patient’s perspective.

Mediation is one alternative to what is called as dispute resolution in private because negotiation takes place among two parties in the presence of a third party mediator, while if the dispute goes to the court, it gets disclosed to the public. The process of mediation does not take as long as courtroom cases to resolve the disputes because lawyers are abided by the constraints of the courtroom hearings.  Lawyers cannot represent their party unless the court schedules them whereas mediators can personally schedule the mediation dates and settle the matter faster. Physiotherapists are also tied by the number of consultations required by the patients, which cannot be defined by any time limit.

      All in all, lawyers and physiotherapists cannot be good mediators because their niche is to cater to the dispute from their client’s side, while communication majors are competent to settle the disputes by being an unbiased third party.

Communication Considerations: Choosing Appropriate Communication Options

I am going to write about the topic Communication consideration from chapter 3. The factors everyone should consider when choosing among the conflict communication options are

1. Occasion (including time and location)
2. The other person
3. One’s own need

 An occasion would be equivalent of a particular book, such as mystery, thriller or romance where time and place create unique expectations that guide our behavior. The other person is affected by our behavior in the conflict so he must be taken into account. Most important are you in the conflict of involvement, so you should consider your own needs and learn to prioritize them.

I am going to illustrate the concept of communication consideration with a real life example. One time my husband and me, along with our friends went out for dinner. We were discussing about football and my husband and me got into a conflict on who is a better football player, Beckham or Ronaldo. My husband got very angry for comparing Ronaldo with Beckham. His all time favorite is Ronaldo, who was on peak then. He started talking loudly about how bad Beckham is, and even worse about his fans. Our conflict took a fierce turn and dinner turned out to be disastrous. I totally disliked the way my husband took this issue to his heart and started fighting on personal level. I realized it was not a correct occasion to move on, so I backed out of the conflict by just keeping mum. The occasion was to relax and enjoy the dinner at the restaurant with few friends, not to get in personal fights. I totally disapproved his attitude at dinner, but thought of speaking about this at the right time, when it will be just him and me. Accordingly when we came home I told him patiently about his interest in the conflict, which was Ronaldo, while my interest was an opinion about Beckham, it was not a competition. He agreed and we mutually settled our differences by saying sorry. We both were wrong at some point of time, because we kept the players aside and started on personal level. After that incident my husband and me have decided not to fight in public places and create a scene in front of others.

Discipline vs Pushing

         Children are not supposed to be born with the understanding of the world. They are like a blank slate in the hands of their parents. It is the moral responsibility of the parents to teach their children the difference between right and wrong. Along the way, children tend to behave obnoxiously, but parents have to patiently handle their kids and explain them the consequences of good and bad. In order to discipline the kids, sometimes parents need to be stern with warnings and time outs, but not using unsympathetic ways of punishments such as beating or hurting. Although it takes time, it is possible to train the toughest child to behave appropriately if handled with love and affection. However when parents expect good behavior out of the child without any inputs from their side, they lose patience and treat children badly. Parents push children when their expectations over ride practical reality. That is when parents lose temper and hurt their children. Since children are naïve and weak they succumb to the ruthless punishments of their parents. Abusive parents cause a permanent damage to the child’s physical and emotional balance

           If we as parents empathize with our kids and identify the issues children are going through we can discipline them wisely. After all, every man was a child one day.

Relationship - Centered Orientation

In dealing with conflicts at home, I tend toward the relationship-centered orientation, which is the assertive communication behavior option that orients towards giving importance to both our needs and the needs of the other. Assertive communication behavior is an ability to speak up for one’s interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others. Assertive communication also allows others to communicate their beliefs and desires. It is a middle road to resolve conflicts over being extremely aggressive or passively non-aggressive. I prefer relationship orientation to avoid conflicts at home.

 I think my inclination towards relationship- centered orientation is because of my upbringing, where I was always taught to compromise, and adjust with family members for peace and harmony at home. My mother always told me that there is no harm in accommodating your family members as long as it doesn’t jeopardize your self-conscious. Use of assertive communication always proves to be the best choice to settle conflicts without hard feelings.

Confrontation

I am going to write about Confrontation process from chapter 2 which is defined as a conflict process in which the parties call attention to problems or issues and express their feelings, beliefs, and wants to one another. There are 6 confrontation steps to move through as you manage a conflict such as

1. Preparation
2. Tell the person"We need to talk"
3. Interpersonal confrontation: Talk to the other person about your problem.
4. Consider your partner's point of view: Listen,empathise and respond.
5. Resolve the problem: Make a mutual satisfying agreement.
6. Follow up on the resolution.

I want to illustrate a confrontation example that means so much to me. My best friend and me would walk up to school everyday and back home. One day on our way back home, we banged into a pedestrian who was carrying some vegetables in a polythene bag. His bag got hit and all the vegetables fell on the road. The pedestrian got very angry and asked us to fill the vegetables in the bag and give him back. When this happened, my friend started laughing and ran away, and I had to pick up all the vegetables and give them back to the guy. I got very upset and stopped talking to her after that incident. We did not talk to each other for about a year until our last day in the school. On the day of send off, she came to me and said I want to talk to you. She said she never came to me before because she felt guilty of her act of leaving me alone on the road. Her sorry meant so much to me at that time that both of us were in tears. Once the air got cleared, that incident seemed really petty. The best outcome of that send off was we continue to be best friends till today.

Dynamic Communication

The second chapter emphasizes on Communication as a continuous process of exchange of information. Communication becomes effective when the messages are interpreted similarly at both ends. If the messages are not decoded on common grounds, conflict and misunderstanding take place. Dynamic communication is a building block of a good relationship although it works differently in different relationships. Like my husband believes less words means better understanding, and I love communicating endlessly. Even then I can rate our communication style pretty open and dynamic except when it comes to conflict. Because when it comes to conflicts he plays by only one rule, which is “My way or Highway.” I generally give up in heated conflicts and let the angry, person take over as anger shuts down all chances of thinking wisely. Besides too much clash spoils the wellbeing of the house. So when everyone has calmed down, I prefer to explain my opinion. So even if I don’t win the argument, I at least put forth my say on it, to maintain communication fluid.